Time

Sometimes, I wish I was a bit more ahead of the game.  It's pretty easy to look ahead into the future and think of things that, while perhaps you'll have them someday, you wish you had now.  Today, as I was thinking "I wish I were" and "I wish it'd be like," it dawned on me that perhaps, years from now, I would realize that this particular moment in life was short.  And special.

It's a lot easier to be grateful for things when you realize that, with time, everything changes.  Whatever it is you don't like about where you are now will be gone, but whatever it is you do like will be gone too. 

To be inconsolable and to have faith...

It seems like one of the hardest things in the world is to try to help a friend who is inconsolable.  Or also to be inconsolable, even with the help of a friend.  It's so nice to give advice that really helps and so nice to get advice that can somehow pull you out of whatever you're feeling.

Sometimes, when I'm inconsolable, I try to have faith.  I have a book that says you should triumph in God's gifts to you, even before he has given them, because you have faith that he will. 

"That your heart can no longer live without real love"

By Hafiz, on how to practice love:
(translated by Daniel Ladinsky)

Go for a walk, if it is not too dark.
Get some fresh air, try to smile.
Say something kind
To a safe-looking stranger, if one happens by.

Always exercise your heart's knowing.

You might as well attempt something real
Along this path:

Living, really living

Most of the time, we forget that we're mortal...we are always living as though there is more time.  "I'll do that another year," "later on, I'll have more time for that," "after I'm done with all these things on my to-do list, then I can...", or maybe most commonly, "at another stage of life, I will take the time to..."

The thing is, there might not always be more time.  That may sound like a dark, depressing thought.  But really, in a way, it's liberating.  Of course it's important to plan for the future and get things done and fulfill one's commitments....but it's also important just to live.  Just to pour yourself into this moment - to be fully here and invest your heart and your energy in the things that matter very most to you.  And live from the spaces that make your heart burn.

Christians say "live this day so that it glorifies God."  Buddhists say "be present.  here.  now."  Rumi says, go to the rooftops and shout who you are, let it consume you, let your love and passion for life make you crazy. 

you have an ocean inside you

tonight i went to yoga.  in the middle of it, we let go of our past.  sounds pretty great, right?  well, i suppose it's not possible to let go of it completely, but it's so wonderful to acknowledge that some of that stuff isn't a part of you anymore and it doesn't have to define or even affect you.

at the end, in savasana (the state of relaxation that comes after all the stretching and bending and twisting and opening), i felt complete and utter relaxation.  not only did i disconnect entirely from all the external stuff - the work and group members and worries and deadlines - that weigh me down daily, i even felt disconnected from my own body.  totally outside of it, no longer aware of its existence.  i could feel my connection with my deeper self, beneath and behind all the judgments (from myself and others) and bustle and surface stuff that runs over us in normal life.

i felt like the ocean, an expansive and eternal flowing of blue water, rising and falling like the tides with every breath, flowing far outside and beyond my simple body on the floor.  the truth is, we all have an ocean inside of us...a store of peace and joy and the fullness of ourselves, that swells and lives beneath all the bits and pieces of every day.  as i lay there on the floor, in the dark, breathing calmly, i felt the tension and tightness melt away from my bones and my muscles.  i feel like we hold this stuff inside us, we become stiff and rigid (even in our bodily postures) in an attempt to protect ourselves from the pushes and pulls of the world around us.  the stress winds itself around our muscles, making us inflexible and unadaptive to the flexes and forces of the world and the subway and the cold outside and the harsh personalities we encounter.

but, in those simple moments, when you massage your feet in the shower or feel your hair full and wet under the water or breathe deeply over a cup of hot tea or eat a piece of chocolate slowly or take a walk and watch the leaves fall effortlessly to the ground or lie and feel the ocean inside of you after a yoga class...it's easy to just release.  release!

A little bit of pessimism, with a hopeful twist

 I feel like, the older I get, the more I realize that everyone around me is just barely holding it together.  Maybe everyone has had a period in life when things just seemed easy, but I think most of the time, for most people, things seem hard.  Things seem to be a struggle.

I live in London, which, if you ask me, is a dog-eat-dog world.  People don't stop for pedestrians, or care who they push, or where they vomit, or whether or not they're doing any good at all in the world.  Sometimes it feels like a really barbaric place.

And sometimes it's hard not to get lost in the rainy days and the car exhaust and the endless conferences of people whose main goal is to sound smart.

But then, happily, I remember, that even though life is hard, people DO manage to hold it together.  Sometimes, when we get really lucky, we even hold each other together.  And that reminds me that God, that little extra magic and glue in all the falling apart relationships and falling apart rainy days, is here.

"The stars come up spinning
every night, bewildered in love.
                                           They'd grow tired
with that revolving, if they weren't.
                                                 They'd say
'How long do we have to do this!"

God picks up the reed-flute world and blows.
Each note is a need coming through one of us,
a passion, a longing-pain.
                                         Remember the lips
where the wind-breath originated,
and let your note be clear.
Don't try to end it.
Be your note.
I'll show you how it's enough."
 (Rumi)

Slow down!

Sometimes, God says "Slow down!"  Well, he doesn't usually do it in a way that we like...often we get sick or a huge wrench is thrown in our plans.  But I think it happens because, when we are getting all caught up and wound up in the thickets of life and work, he wants us to stop and remember what's really important.  And to remember to take time for ourselves, and time for him.

Put in a different way, you could say that the universe conspires to give us exactly what we need, when we need it - even if it might look like something very negative at first.  But the direction of our lives requires twists and turns, big steps and setbacks, to shape us and the work we are doing.  Sometimes, you have to stop, take a DEEP breath, and look at things in a new way.  Instead of pulling and pushing with tension and exhaustion and desperation, it's important to regroup and remember that everything happens as it will and growth and progress take time.  We sometimes need a little reminder to be joyous, loving, and creative to work through even the most difficult, gnawing of problems.

On getting lost in the bustle

Sometimes I come to a harsh realization that I've just been going and going and going...pushing (fighting) through each day, through whatever I'm working on, against whatever problems I'm facing.  And then I see, all of a sudden, that I've been struggling and working only at the very surface of my life.  The underneath stuff, the real stuff, my mission here to serve God and others has gotten somehow caked over, covered up, lost to make way for the madness of everyday life. 

"There is a story in Zen circles about a man and a horse. 

The horse is galloping quickly, and it appears that the man on the horse is going somewhere important. Another man, standing alongside the road, shouts, 'Where are you going?" and the first man replies, I don't know! Ask the horse!" This is also our story. We are riding a horse, we don't know where we are going, and we can't stop. The horse is our habit energy pulling us along, and we are powerless. 

We are always running, and it has become a habit. 
We struggle all the time, even during our sleep. 
We are at war within ourselves, and we can easily start a war with others."

-Thich Nhat Hanh

On Chocolate

"Dark chocolate, which should be at least 60 percent cocoa by weight, is one of the richest sources of the bioflavonoid antioxidants that counteract cell damage."

"It's absolutely magic food," Katz said. "Because it's so good, it almost feels a little naughty." (Dr. Katz, Yale)

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/MindMoodNews/chocolate-studies-headache/story?id=8530685

Peace is tough

When life gets crazy, sometimes I feel like it's almost impossible to pause and enjoy the simple things and feel at peace.  Sure, there are fun moments and stressful moments - but actual peace seems so much more elusive.  Earlier this week, in some strangely calm moment, I remember looking around the tube car I was on and feeling so peaceful...and then looking around at all the people looking so worn, stressed, busy, scattered.  I remember thinking "They look so down.  But it'd be nice if they could take a moment and just remember how beautiful life is."

But today I was definitely one of them.  Feeling busy and overwhelmed and like a million things were on my mind...and in those moments, it is SO tough to re-harness and tap into that feeling of simple peace and gratitude for life and perspective on all the really beautiful stuff in my life - friendship, physical safety, a world of opportunities open to me, lots of new experiences, so many supportive people in my life.  These are things that are always there, that we can COUNT on, that we can seek to remember.  I hope, as I move through life, I can better learn how to tap into and harness peace, even in the crazy, stressful moments.

Sitting in the dark, listening to the rain

It hasn't rained in London since I arrived.  That's 7 whole days without rain.  That's bizarre for London.  Now, today, it's pouring.  When I was a kid, the summer was full of fun - making jewelry, going to the pool, riding my bike up and down the street.

But, it would thunderstorm every week or so, and I always welcomed it.  Because, sometimes, you need a break from the pool parties and the outdoor bliss.  Sometimes, you just want to sit inside, watch a movie, make some popcorn, and watch the rain as it rushes past your window.

It's true that it rains too much for me in London but, sometimes, it comes at just the right moment.  Sometimes it reminds you just to sit and think, to be still, to wait, as all the smoke and soot and noise is washed right out of the air.  In some ways, rain can be dark and saddening, in others, it can be refreshing and restorative.

I know that God is here.

Sometimes, life feels like a mess...like a swamp you are just trudging through.  Everything is disorganized, nothing quite falls into place.  So, it is nice to be reminded, every once in a while, that God is here.  To be totally clear, I don't mean the Christian God, or any specific God for that matter, but simply a guiding presence of loving energy in my life.

So I have two stories to tell - the first is sweet and more profound and I think the second is pretty funny.  But both of them are demonstrations of how I feel like I am occasionally reminded of God's loving hand in my life.

When I got off the plane in London, I felt so disoriented and turned-upside-down and, on top of that, just totally jet-lagged.  I wandered around the city all day to stay awake.  In the evening, I happened to stumble upon a church.  I went in and remembered the experience I had had a few weeks prior, when I attended church in California with my friend Sally and had prayed to God to be healed, to feel a refreshing spirit in my life, after what had felt like a very long and perplexing few months.

Here in London, the church was having a healing service, so I decided to stay.  This church, it should be noted, is not Catholic or Lutheran (which is what I'm used to), but Anglican.  I have had very strange experiences with the Anglican church in the past, so I was a bit hesitant, but I was there and I decided to try it.  During the service, I had the option to go to the front to be blessed and anointed with oil, so I did.  Afterwards, I met a really nice girl, who had just gotten here from New York, and would be starting her first year of a master's program...she reminded me of myself last year :).  The whole experience, the fact that I had literally just stumbled upon such a beautiful church with such warm people and a healing blessing, reassured me that, even on the days when we feel most lost and meandering, God is there, guiding us in the right direction.

A few days later, while staying with a buddy of mine, I managed to lock myself in her bathroom.  This is one of those things you hear about, but has never happened to you...until it does.  I tried to turn the lock and it just fell off in my hand (yes, apartments in London are generally old and a bit falling apart).  The little square peg it had held onto inside of the door was falling out the other side.  I looked around me everywhere to try to find a pair of tweezers, something I could use to grab onto that peg, since it was what made the interior of the lock turn.  I didn't have my cell phone with me and I was a bit scared, anticipating having to hang out in there for 4 hours til my friend came home.

I kept looking over at a blue flosser thing on the counter, but thinking "no, no that's not small enough to grab onto anything."  But I kept looking at it and, after trying to use everything else I could find, I decided to give it a go.  I picked it up and, as I slid it into the open hole, it was a perfect fit.  Somehow, its square end was the perfect size and shape.  Sometimes, we have a hunch about something.  And, I guess you could call it luck.  But, I'm telling you, that blue flosser thing really did not look promising, but it just kept staring back at me, and it worked.

I think it's easy to go about our lives in a really rushed way, thinking we are controlling everything, and pushing ourselves to do everything "right" or "better."  But it's SO nice, in those moments when everything feels entirely out of our hands, to remember that - that's ok.  Because God is here.  His energy, whether we notice it or not, is subtly nudging us in the right direction.  And we can see it happening if we really open our minds wide and look.

Missing the point

We spend so much time trying to make our lives better, to be better, to build things up, to be settled, to feel fulfilled.  But all God asks is that, on this day, we love.  We may die tomorrow, our friends may die tomorrow, so He asks us merely to love.  We feel so stressed, so tired, so degraded, so heavy, because we are full of all the other stuff.  It seems so hard just to love, when you are so focused on all the rest of that.  But it's so easy, it's the easiest thing of all, when you remember that it's the only thing that's really important.  So, let us try to let go of all the rest.

Who of you by worrying?

"Who of you by worrying could add a single hour to your life?"  God tells us not to worry.  He says just don't do it.  "Tomorrow's worries are enough for today."

The Buddhist tradition reminds us to focus on the present moment, because we have no control of the past and no idea of what's about to happen.

Even everyday sayings - "life is what happens when you're busy making plans" - tell us to stop worrying, and stop planning excessively, and just be here now.

It's hard to live in the present moment, and not in our own heads, always dwelling on what's next, but I think it's a worthy goal.

Every single experience

When I see people around me, in any setting, struggling with any problem or any life situation, I often find myself thinking that, somehow, it's all going to be ok for them, because every single experience can lead to something good.  There is always something we can learn about ourselves, there is always some way that we can grow, no matter where we are and what challenges we run into.

So why is it so hard for me to reassure myself of the same thing?  I think that it may be really difficult to recognize our own personal growth.  And maybe that's why, when we are in the midst of a problem, we can't see anything good about it-- because we don't see how we are blossoming and expanding and learning as a result-- and so we feel stuck or overcome by our external circumstances.  All we see are obstacles, because we fail to recognize our own resilience, fortitude, and creativity.

Perhaps, then, one of the simplest ways we can help others is by pointing out or reminding them of all the ways in which they are growing.  Most of the people I know are strong and I am always talking to other people about how persevering and inspiring and amazing my friends and family are -- but I don't always tell them directly!

There is a current

There is a current running underneath everything, which gives us great hope and great humanity.  I know this, rather than believe it, because I have seen it in my own lives and in the lives of others.  There have been times in my life when I have felt so free, so in touch with my own emotions and with others and the world around me.  I seemed to breathe deeper and observe and experience everything more intently.  I loved, not with the shallow radiations of my present emotions and thoughts, but with a strong urge of compassion and care for those around me, which came from a deep groundedness I could feel within myself.

Those were the times when I was most in touch with the current of life, energy, passion, whimsy, and love that flow through all of us.  Most days, we ignore it.  It's easy to forget you have a spirit, a vivacity, an openness within you - from which we can give others our greatest love and understanding and which gives us our most light-hearted, resilient, and happy self.

Certainly, there are things we can do to nurture this energy within ourselves....take long bike rides, cook wholesome meals with patience, practice listening (really listening) to others, allow ourselves time to dwell or meditate on our day or on the beauty of our friendships, watch the waves, or the clouds, or the birds, dance wildly to music, get lost in a game with children, put our hands in the sand or the grass or the earth.  We feel like we are losing time, when we do these things, but there is so much that we gain.  Otherwise, we may see life as merely a collection of minutes and struggles and processes and roads and roadblocks and heartaches and hassles, when instead we could see it as a constantly unfolding adventure of life and love and growth and understanding and friendship.

When are things possible?

Maybe it's possible that God is not going to do anything for us, unless we believe He will.  When I look at members of my family and my friends and see how they suffer, I wonder -- why are they having to go through this?  Where is God now?  Why isn't he opening windows for them, when doors close?  And then I remember a woman I met in Costa Rica, who told me that, as she saw her house shake underneath and around her during a massive earthquake, she prayed to God for His protection and she knew that she and her family would be safe.  And that makes me wonder -- does God wait until we believe He will perform miracles for us, before He will actually perform them?

It also reminds me of the book The Little Engine that Could.  Does believing in ourselves and our own strength also have something to do with it?  Do we actually have more power and capability, when we think we do?

There is also a really fitting message in Streams in the Desert - "Jesus gave thanks for what He was about to receive.  His gratitude sprang forth before the blessing had arrived, in an expression of assurance that it was certainly on its way...  Miracles are performed through spiritual power, and our spiritual power is always in proportion to our faith."

Here's hoping, then, that we will learn how to believe.

Yum.

California avocados are so good, they are inspiring.

Life is hard, and....?

When I watch Six Feet Under, it's somehow a lot easier for me to remember (or believe in the first place) that life is just hard.  And then when I see the struggles of people around me, in "real" life, it becomes more apparent to me still.  It seems I am (and everyone I know is) always going through something..always dealing with something really tough.  But there are phases, things move on, there are seasons - in different years, different things will be tough - and that's good to remember.

Also, if there is always something rather difficult going on....isn't it all the more important, then, that we know how to enjoy each day for its own sake?  Do a little something, just a little something at least, that we love?  Because everything will always be tough...so let's just enjoy the little happinesses.

Living and helping

'Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.'
Howard Thurman