don't nail yourself to the floor.  don't force yourself into certain pictures of happiness.  allow yourself to see yourself for who you are.  be kind to yourself.  embrace yourself.  and your journey!  there is no reason to think that this world is going to come crumbling down.  you gave yourself a gift, you gave so many people a gift, by being your own light, by just being that unique kind of joy that is inside of you.  you think it's not there, but it is!  you LOVE sitting around and thinking about things.  you love leaning on trees.  and taking in art.  and living from your heart.  and giving people gifts.  and listening to music that makes your spirit dance.  and dancing.  and meeting new people and finding out who they are and what makes them tick, without any really need or desire from them at all.  and you love trying new things, and growing.  and pushing yourself, and going to new places, and then just being there.  just sitting there are letting the atmosphere seep into your skin like sunlight.  you love giving hugs.  long ones!  you love being you.  you love meditating and stretching your body beyond where you even thought it could go.  you love sitting in the grass.  you love reading enchanting novels.  you love lying around for an entire saturday and not leaving the house (but note, that could be a lack of spirit energy talking).  you love skipping.  do not restrict yourself to what others want or need.  do not attach yourself to how they make you feel degraded.  be your own light.  remember that you have a home in God and he has a home in you.  he is not some pretty pastel painting.  he is love and joy and understanding and true, glowing green-yellow compassion.  take joy in just living this life just seeing what new adventure unfolds.  love and nurture this spirit-love, this grand excitement, this freshness, this youth within you.  do not latch on, child, to your job or your grade or the way all those people - any people - think of you.  be love itself, in your own life and in others' lives too.  don't rest all your hopes and your happiness on one grade or apartment or outcome.  how tragic would that be!  you were not built for a box.  trust that the God who does love you so much will give you all that you need.  trust.  let life flow like bright lemon yellow days ahead of you with no end and no beginning and no judgments and no needs for anything specific.  who cares if you flunk out of school or lose your job or lose you boyfriend as long as you always know that God has some other path in store for you next.  as one crumbles, another will rise to meet you, and lift you higher still - if you only take the time to sit with yourself and embrace your new direction and learn and prosper and grow and expand from the experience that you have had.

There is no perfect world.

It's easy to look into someone else's life and think everything looks perfect.  It's easy to look down the road of my own future and imagine a picture-perfect world waiting for me there.  It's harder to realize..there is no perfect.  Even when people land the right job, marry the right person, have great kids, there are challenges..people get sick, people get discouraged, people feel lonely.  There are financial challenges, physical challenges, emotional challenges, spiritual challenges.

What's perfect about this imperfect world is that we wake up everyday and we get to learn, or attempt to learn, how to respond to everything.  And, if we're very diligent and the people around us are very diligent, we respond with love and they share their love with us.  Life may be a mess, it may always be a mess, but I'm pretty sure, even though I'm very young, that that is not really the point.

The point is what we do with the mess, how we deal with our surroundings, how we give from our hearts, and how we learn to love and care for others in spite of the mess.  I feel like school and work and our culture teach us to keep improving everything.  To work towards something that looks efficient, that looks correct.  But, in life, when you are done climbing one hill, you are given another.  There is no "A" or "correct" you can reach or sustain.  There's no destination where, once you have finally done everything right, you're done and everything looks right.  There will always be something awry, always something to challenge us.

So, I am (very diligently, though it's very difficult) trying to embrace the challenges.  Trying to see the beauty in the mundane or tedious or painful or scary.  Trying to recognize that, even though life isn't perfect, beautiful, incredible, miraculous things happen all the time.  If we are too busy asking "how? how will it happen?" we might miss those unfolding right before us..we may lose the opportunity to enjoy the present moment and to love others as well as we might.  We may even forget to celebrate.

I believe in Love, capital "L"

If you took the word "God" out of my vocabulary, it would change my religion not one little bit.  I believe that all of us have an enormous capacity to love - to create beauty and healing in this world against all odds, against logic, and, sometimes, when we're lucky, in a way that is totally selfless.  And that's what I have faith in, and what I believe God is.

When someone forgives another not once but twice, irrationally.  When someone tries to understand someone different, in spite of prejudices in our society.  When someone reaches out to a stranger to do something kind, even in the middle of a busy day.  When someone stands by someone's side even when they have Alzheimer's and can't remember the other's name.  When families work to see eye to eye, even when they disagree.  When parents sacrifice for their children.  When children sacrifice for their parents.  When someone realizes his or her own weakness and, in spite of an inherent self-preservation instinct and general notions towards defensiveness, says "I'm sorry."  When a child cries over a pet that's passed away.  When people remember each other's birthdays and bake cakes and write cards.  When people talk through their problems, even when it makes them want to cry.  When people work everyday to make the world a better place, even when they feel they may never succeed.  When people muster strength and hope that seems impossible.  When people work together even when they'd rather not.

That's Love.  And that's what I believe in.

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." [1 John 4:8]
"Compassion is not a religious business, it is a human business." [Dalai Lama]

Something I have learned from 2 weeks of strenuous exams...

Humans have a tendency to worry, to be afraid, to feel failure and depression.  These emotions stem from real circumstances, real difficulties.  But, we also have a tendency to blow them up in our minds more than is necessary or helpful.  Such worry and anxiety can make us less able to do well in our jobs or in our relationships.  And then, in turn we worry and are anxious more!  A cycle results.

Religion, at its best, tries to break that cycle, or even to put a virtuous one in its place.  It asks us to be grateful for what we already have.  It asks us not to worry or be fearful, but to live in the present and for the needs of others.  It reminds us that the beauty of life is to express love.  It impresses upon us that we need not reach a certain picture of ourselves or our lives in order to be a good person and to be happy.  It gives us perspective.

Community

I was meditating today, with hundreds of other people, on Trafalgar Square, in a guided meditation led by Thich Nhat Hanh.  It was a beautiful experience.  The monks sang Namo Avalokiteshvara, which is like a gift from angels.  And Hanh guided us through about an hour meditation.

I've felt sad, for three years really, to be so far away from home -- from the friends and family that I love.  It's a feeling that's always there, even as I'm studying or doing things with friends here.  It's easy to feel alone.

During the meditation, so many memories came to me...sitting alone in my dorm room in the Hague, feeling out of place in my school at the Institute of Social Studies there.  Being upset and anxious with my groupmates last year at LSE.  Getting to go home for the holidays...and always having to come back.  Through it all, I have felt such a strong sense of separation.

But, as I continued to meditate, even with the tears streaming down my cheeks, as the monks continued to sing, I felt my heart lighten and my lips curl into a small smile.  The warmth and love of their singing (a song which is meant to be one of total compassion) reminded me of the importance of love and the constancy of family and friends in my life.  I suddenly felt that all of you are here with me.  I felt enveloped by a community that can never really go away or leave me alone.  It is ever-present.  Even as life attempts to cake over it, as new experiences build and leave their mark, always there is that community underneath it all, beyond anything else, within us.

I suddenly thought of the very kind girl at the Van Gogh museum in the Hague who gave me a print for free, because it was the last one and it was damaged and I loved it so very much.  Even strangers make up that community -- those who reach out to you.  Like the monks that were singing, radiating their kindness and good intentions to hundreds of people they don't know.

And of course, all those I hold dear, who live back in the US or in other parts of the world.  Thank you for your presence.  Thank you for just being you.

I am me

I just returned from a Dharma talk by Thich Nhat Hanh, one of my favorite Zen Buddhist writers.  His words were so powerful, because he spoke entirely from the heart and with such calmness and kindness in his voice.

As I sat there, many thoughts and ideas passed through my head, but two in particular stood out to me.  The first is that I became very aware that the 'me' I am now is still the same person as the 'me' that I was five or ten or fifteen years ago.  Sometimes, in challenging periods of life and trying circumstances, I feel like I've lost my former self, some peace and grace and skillfulness at life that I used to have.  It made me feel empowered, more whole, more alive to remember that I am still me -- the same me that was there in Raleigh, in Berkeley, in DC, in the Netherlands, and here in London.  There is a continuity of life, of ourselves, of our values and the things we hold really dear, that are constant, reliable, in spite of what might be occurring in the present.

The other thing that really dawned on me as I was listening is the huge importance of gratitude.  One of the things that he spoke about is that there is happiness available to us in the here and now.  I've understood and absorbed this message in the past...but somehow it's so easy to forget, like sand sliding through your fingers.  He spoke more specifically about the conditions of happiness.  He said, there are many conditions of happiness, many things that make us happy -- including our breath (because we are alive!) and our eyesight (because we can see colors and life in front of us!).  And, if we take a few minutes, he said, we could fill more than one page, more than two pages, many pages of the many conditions of happiness.  And, if we think about it, even if, as he said, we have "just lost our job," there are many, many people in the world in worse situations.  We do not need to wait, to look into the future, seeking out other conditions, in order to be happy.  There is happiness available to us in the here and now.  I think we see gratitude sometimes as a chore -- but really, it is something freeing.  It allows us to always see the beauty in life, even in the darkest times.

If all else fails, I hope I remember that Thich Nhat Hanh and his community are there in sitting meditation, creating the energy of compassion for all of us, thinking of all of us and our world -- and that gives me strength.  Not even your friends and family, but also so many other wonderful communities in the world are wishing for, praying for, and sending out intentions for your happiness and lessened suffering.

(you can view his talk here)

Believing things are possible

Last year, I had a thought and wrote it down in my journal: it seems people get depressed when either they feel like a failure or they feel like the world is failing them.  So best to remember that neither is true :).

When you're young and, as they say, "bright-eyed," your eyes are shining and your dreams are vivid because you believe that things are possible - that beautiful, amazing, incredible things are both going to happen for you and are going to be brought about by you.

As you get older, for some reason, things seem less possible and you realize more of your own limits.  But I think that things are still really possible -- incredible UNIMAGINABLE things!  Maybe it's just that the things you grow to value most - the things that really really really matter - take a little more time and effort.

When you're a kid, you're fascinated by a shiny bracelet..when you're a little older, all you want is to hold a boy's hand.  You want an A+ at first and then, later, you want to be published or promoted.

But it's worth remembering that the big things ARE possible -- both the ones you can do and the ones that have to be done for you.  And, while you're waiting for those dreams to come true, it's worth remembering that the simple stuff, that you've laughed about and reveled in since you were a kid, are still pretty great too.

Time

Sometimes I wish that time would just stand still.  Even as I take days off these days, I'm so aware that time is passing.  There's so much I want to do!  Responding to emails and practicing yoga and taking a walk and getting work done and calling my parents.  Not to mention finding a job for after I graduate.

Somehow it seems I only have 2 modes these days- on, and off.  Either I'm doing work or I'm just relaxing, resting, and shaking off the work.  It's either because it's January or it's because there's so much going on in my head these days - between UNICEF and group members and econometrics homework and my thesis and job-hunting and where I'm going to live come August.

The thing that's REALLY helpful and always dawns on me when I lie awake unable to fall asleep (jet lag) is that all God wants from us is just to love.  I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about other religions.  Isn't the point (for all of us, no matter who you are or where you live or what your traditions may be) to love your friends and your neighbors and your enemies as yourself?  To love indiscriminately?  Well, in spite of all the work stuff and job stuff and all the OTHER stuff we want to get done, that's not actually SO hard to do if it's the focus of all the moments of every day.

I do hope all that other stuff falls into place, but it's also really good to remember that none of it is actually the point.

Grace, Life, Work, Slowness

These last few weeks have been crazy...and even in the midst of how busy I've been, thoughts of "the future" keep creeping into my head.  If we are each put here on earth to do something specific...it seems like it takes a long time to find out exactly what that is.  Sometimes I feel like there's some job out there, waiting for me, for after graduation, and I'm on some sort of crazy scavenger hunt trying to find it...

But as challenged as I have felt in the last couple weeks, both in the amount of work there has been to do and in how much I have felt pushed to think more about my future, I have also felt the continuous presence of God's grace.  Sometimes, He is slow.  At one point this week, I prayed that a group meeting would go well and somehow still it seemed like it would fall apart.  And I thought, "wait, God, didn't I just pray about this?!  Come on...help me out here."

But it's because He wants us to expand.  He wants to challenge us.  We are pushed to our very limits and then somehow we are caught.  By our own strength, by our friends, by the beauty of our world.  Someone smiles, or brings you hot chocolate, or makes brownies with you.  Or somehow, something you say or do actually WORKS!

Glory!

Recently

He that loves not knows not God; for God is love. (the Bible)

Rumi, on the same:
Love and imagination do many things.  They conjure up a sweetheart's form,

so that you can speak to it, "Do you love me?" Yes,
yes...

Let your teacher be love
itself, not someone with a white

beard.  In the state of fana, love without form says,
I am the source of sober clarity

and drunken excitement.  You have loved my reflection
informs so well that now there's

no mediating.  When a Christian longs to be
forgiven, the priest disappears

in that longing.  Water flows out of the ground over
a stone.  No one calls it a stone

anymore.  It's the pure substance pouring over it, a
spring.  These forms we're

in are like bowls.  They acquire value from what
pours through to serve as nourishment;

then they're washed and put away for the next
use.